The past year was a very sad one for me. My middle daughter Ancie , who was only 39 years old who passed away during this horrible 2020 year of the Covid19 Pandemic....She left a son who is already 18 years old, and is in deep grief. I cannot describe the intense hurt and pain but if that is what it feels to have my heart was broken, all I can say is, I could not understand why it all had to happen? Is that what is called "denial" when a mother refuses to accept her child is gone from this physical world. I didn't go to my farm for the rest of the year.
I am managing my grief through therapy, and I am really not in the mood to garden, or even cook! I just want to sit alone and cry until I have no more tears. I am not very happy at all to continue with anything. The loss is incomprehensible to those who have not gone through losing a daughter, or child. However, I have met and been comforted by a few mothers who have lost a daughter. They told me that time will create a shell around my heart, but it will never erase the love I have for my daughter. Love never dies, and I feel her sometimes just a breath a away, maybe watching, maybe in the silence of the room, she is sending me comforting vibrations that give me the courage to go on.
I saw the Golden Shower Dendrobium orchids blooming. These only bloom once a year. I remember when Ancie was alive, the flowers were blooming last March, a few months before she passed away. She always loved fresh flowers, not so much cut flowers unless they were from our garden, and would have new blooms again. She loved scented candles too, and I made sure to have a vigil before her urn that is still in our house in the city surrounded by her favorite colors, and photos of her at her prime.
Everyone from her son, to some of her friends, her sisters,our employees at our office, and home , including our nurse have told me how they have dreamt of her. However, for many months, I never did I dream of her, neither did she appear in any dreams of my husband. The other night, I dreamt of her, and I saw her clearly. I even embraced her feeling she was very much alive, warm to the touch, her skin felt smooth, her flesh supple, her cheeks rosy. I hugged her and kept telling her how much I love her. I asked for her to stay in my dream, and then I woke up. The next morning, the golden shower orchids on our giant Narra tree was blooming. I thought of Ancie ...she was still with us, in spirit, and watching, and I could feel her presence. I would be hoping she would be able to go back into her heavenly home, then visit us once in awhile to check on us and as it was Valentine's Day, I felt very calm and peaceful and saw the Golden Shower orchids blooming.
I prayed to Christ Jesus to help me understand--because she had more life to live on this earth and fulfill all her goals. I have no one who can answer my questions as to why, why all this had to happen. And yet, I have to believe in the tender heart of Christ, HIS compassion for the lost, for the grieving, for the sick as HE is Our Redeemer, and so I offer prayers to HIM, and claim HIS mercy and that my daughter is with HIM, the Blessed Mother Mary, the Apostles, Saints, Angels in heaven. I realize Ancie no longer belongs to me, but to the King of Kings. I felt comforted....surrendering her to an Infinite Love, Peace and Happiness and that one day I will see her again...
